The following is an ad from a Craig's List ad that was a quick viral hit among musicians and woodwind players and then vanished from Craig's List within hours of my first reading. Of course - I found it beautifully written and immediately posted it to my FB pages, similar to the first sighting I saw on FB.
4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo w/ hard case
When the post went off line, I began looking and searching internet cache pages, found a copy of the page that is forever gone online. I thought I should repost it for all my Face Book friends that missed reading it before it was marked as BAD by Craigslist. The language is rated PG13 - almost R - so be advised. I did not write this so don't yell at me for potty mouth please....
Imagine a picture of a metal piccolo in a little black case. For those of you that are not sure which instrument that is - it is just like a flute but more expensive because of the special shrinking formula they use on them to make them so small.
With That Said - please enjoy the beautifully written sales pitch for a Silver Plated Piccolo
They call the trumpet "God's Instrument." The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I'm giving you the chance toown "Satan's Instrument." The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ballrolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who's a little too "rapey," this miniature ﬂute of terror will hold the game down. And how.
Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this 4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it's compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you're thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.
This instrument has the ability to sing an A ﬁve lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you're not careful may actually cleave your conductor's brain clean in half. It's highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed "X."
Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a ﬁeld goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target's neurons, resulting in synaptic misﬁres, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub's piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.
Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
- sudden unexpected nosebleeds
- heart palpitations
- loss of sanity
- unexplainable rage
- spontaneous combustion
- abandonment of the will to live
- anal leakage
It's a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it's user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.
Because of this instrument, I now rule over my own sovereign island, where I preach from balconies and lounge in my throne poppin' bottles while getting fanned with palm fronds waved by ridiculously hot cabana boys. Tomorrow's forecast: Whatever the hell I want.
Since I'm livin' the dream, I'm retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?
Willing to throw in a box of gravel and ship.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Posting ID: 41429971 Posted: 2013-11-05, 8:15PM PST